Anyone who's ever been to a "stress management workshop," raise your hand. Un-huh, I see that all of you have. And now put your hands up if you think it was effective. Oh my, not too many of you. Well, that's about typical for stress management classes - they're easy and cheap to present but their lessons don't stay with you very long.

In a typical stress management class taught by your HR department or the EAP, you'll hear:

• Stress can run you down and make you miserable.
• You get stressed through overwork.
• Managing time wisely helps you get the work done and reduce the stress.
• Here are some relaxation exercises that will help you cope with stress.
• Imagining peaceful scenes during stressful times will give you relief.
• Maybe you need some long-term psychotherapy.

Now I've studied the psychology and physiology of human stress for years, and have a certificate to prove it, and I can say with conviction that ALL OF THESE STATEMENTS ARE WRONG. Furthermore, they do you a disservice because they lead you to ineffective solutions.

What's the one thing that all of these statements have in common? They all say, "Look, your stress is your problem and it's up to you to learn to deal with it." Nowhere in any of these statements is any admission that the company, or your boss, or your colleagues, or your family are contributing to your stress and should parciipate in relieving it. When all the fancy words are stripped away, this is called "blaming the victim," and I find it reprehensible.

When I teach a stress management course, my messages are:

• Stress can kill you.
• You feel stressed when you are overwhelmed and feel powerless to do anything about it.
• your stress comes from your work, your family, and all of your life.
• It makes no sense to treat just work stress - you need to work on all sources.
• You lose stress when you take control of the situation in even small ways.
• Relaxation techniques are valuable as a bandaid, but don't provide real relief.
• A support network of friends you can talk and vent to is an enormous help.
• Some cognitive (imagination) techniques help, but they are hard to learn.

So my message is, "Your stress comes from everyone you interact with, as well as from yourself; so to achieve a lasting stress reduction you need to get them to change their behaviors, too." I teach basic techniques of taking control of your work and family life, and it's surprising how much little acts of assertion (like tidying up your desk) can reduce your stress level. Ultimately, you want a plan for reducing your psychological workload as much as is reasonable, and increasing your control over your work and home life as much as you can. This combination is the magic that will start reducing your stress level and will give you the tools to keep it low.