Although each gender tends to express itself quite differently, most philosophical teachings agree that the soul is neither male nor female. As souls, we incarnate into a gender in order to learn through that experience. Through our experimentation with the various qualities of each sex, we are seeking to experience our true whole self.

Until we do experience our inner fullness, we seek to find completion externally through a love partner.

This effort toward attunement with the opposite sex brings stability, joy, security and affirmation, but it is not without problems and challenges. One main challenge is being able to understand, respond to and find solutions for the need differences when they occur. We have already discussed some of these main conflicts such as differing needs for:

a. Cleanliness - order

b. Affection, sex

c. The use of money

d. How to bring up children

e. Social activity

Many of these conflicts are indicated in the Situations and Lessons presented before each chapter.

We have also already expressed that most of these conflicts actually have to do with:

1. Freedom vs. control = power

2. Who is right and correct = self-worth

In addition to these differing needs, men and women have different ways of and motives for communicating. Both, of course, use communication as a means to express needs, prove they are right and establish their self-worth.

Studies have shown, however, that women use communication to create an emotional connection, thus the communication itself is the purpose. Men seem to perceive communication as a means toward some result, such as solving a problem. Therefore, we often have the situation in which a woman will start a conversation about a subject, not because she wants a solution, but because she experiences a connection through the communication itself. The man however, feels that communication has only one purpose - - to arrive at a conclusion or solution, after which there is no need to communicate. Thus, the universal problem that women feel men are aloof and men that women are interrogators.

This is especially true whenever a woman wants to talk about emotions. Men generally do not feel comfortable talking about emotions. If they are talking about the woman's emotions, they are likely to feel they are to blame and are being criticized since the woman is not happy. If a woman expresses an emotion, she usually wants recognition of the fact that she feels that way. A man does not realize this and seeks in the least possible words to convince her there is no reason to feel this way. He seeks a solution. She then loses her vehicle of connecting.

If the woman wants to talk about the man's emotions, the situation is even worse. First of all, he does not know what his emotions are. He has been trained for a whole lifetime not to feel, to hide and shut off his emotions. Secondly, even if he has some awareness of what he feels, he feels totally demeaned if he has to admit that he feels self-doubt or fear. A man does not like to admit his fears or weaknesses.

This, of course, is a generalization, and there will be exceptions, but observation will show how true it is. We have here a serious problem in communication in which each sex will need to understand the other. Women need to understand that when men are aloof or do not communicate their feelings and thoughts, it is often simply because they function differently and not because they do not love their love partner. They experience unity, not so much through words, but rather through action, such as working to make money and provide for the family.

Men, on the other hand, need to understand a woman's need to generate feelings of unity and love through verbal communication. Men need to acknowledge women's feelings rather than find reasons why they shouldn't have them.

WOMEN'S COMPLAINTS ABOUT MEN

Throughout thirty years of working with couples and groups, I have observed the following complaints women have about men. These observations have been made in a Mediterranean society and may, of course, differ from others.

1. They are not understanding enough.

2. They are not sensitive to feelings and needs.

3. They are not affectionate enough.

4. They tend to ignore sexual foreplay are quick to ejaculate and lose their sexual interest before the woman is satisfied.

5. They do not communicate enough. They do not express their feelings and thoughts.

6. They do not pay enough attention to their wives.

7. They do not spend enough time at home with the children

8. They do not help with order and cleanliness of the home.

9. They do not appreciate the work involved in keeping up the home or in bearing and bringing up children, and do not compensate this contribution to family life.
10. They make decisions about work and life without regarding the woman's or the family's needs.

11. They are not monogamous and engage in extramarital relationships

MEN'S COMPLAINTS ABOUT WOMEN

1. Women complain, criticize and nag too much.

2. They try to control and suppress men.

3. They are seldom happy.

4. They tend to withhold sex as a punishment or a form of blackmail.

5. They do not think logically, but emotionally.

6. Their emotions are not predictable and change quickly, especially due to hormones when having their period, during pregnancy or during menopause.

7. They are unpredictable.

8. They tend to gossip.

9. They too engage in extramarital relationships.

10. They are not home often enough (which for many men means - "always").

11. They are not taking enough care of the home.