Have you ever noticed how when you enter a room, its almost as if your internal homing device scans the room for someone to connect to and as if by default it announces This one isn't interested in you, go for it".

While other singles come home with stories of dates that were intense and fascinating, emotionally and physically, all you can remember are details of how often there was silence, unease and awkwardness during your own dates. And you probably recall that there was one (or more people) you met in your life time whod have fallen in love with you but he or she didnt want anything to do with you or if the relationship actually started, it took only a few months before the person you are so much in love with wouldnt even touch you!

Emotional closeness was the theme of my weekend playshop. I had over 20 single men and women in the room. For the first ten minutes, I told them to mingle and get to know each other while I observed. I particularly noted one woman whom well call Mindy. Mindy constantly intruded on other peoples space, smiling and trying to start a conversation but she either got a polite nod and the conversation continued as if she wasnt there or someone spoke with her for a few minutes before excusing themselves. In many cases she got the body language that said back off". Of course most of the people in the room had one kind or other relationship problem but watching Mindy was painful. It was like watching a needy puppy try to cuddle with a strange cat that didnt want its presence.

Mindy is trim and fit, intelligent and style conscious. Her image is impeccably professional and her physical appearance embodies many a mans fantasy. Shes both spontaneous and fun to be around she was charming and a good conversationalist. She seemed open and self-giving. In the course of the day, she shared with workshop participants that shed never been in a real loving relationship or even one that lasted over a year. Her relationships all ended when the man walked out, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad and lost. In each case after moaning the affair, she tell herself she deserved better and the men whod walked out on her werent just up to her standard. So in her customary style, shed get an expensive makeover complete with new wardrobe and jewelry. Then shed go out into local hot spots and find herself another man.

As I said, she was very open about her life and talked about her relationships with her parents, which she told the group was more about politeness and courtesy than anything else. She also told us that she did not have very close female friends because she felt most of her friends were jealous and did not want to see her succeed. So she ended up avoiding female friends altogether. At work she was very professional and insisted on keeping her work life very separate from her personal life. But even as she talked, I couldnt help but notice that Mindy was adept at generating a smoke screen, so much that despite her seemingly self-giving and open outside image, I felt that her interactions with the group were an artificial performance. Her character came across as lacking genuine feeling and connection. Like I said, it was painful to watch.

Mindy obviously was unaware of the emotional impact she had on others, something that had seeped through her entire life. Not only was her outer image disconnected from her inner image, but the more she performed" the more disconnected her interactions with the rest of the group.

It is a common thing that people who crave emotional closeness are the very people who consistently get emotional distance from others. We may not see ourselves as emotionally distant because emotional distancing takes different forms: manipulation, nagging, whining, seduction, fakeness, control, intrusion, avoidance, isolation, jumping to conclusions about other people's words and actions, etc.. The resistance to intimacy also shows itself when people are unreasonably hostile towards others thinking that others are jealous of them and out to sabotage their efforts. This exaggeration can also be in the form of assuming that the opposite sex are crazy about you and that you hold the cards to the game.

As in the case of Mindy, many singles are oblivious of the impact their emotional distancing has on others - subconsciously. So even if they so much long for someone to share with, to touch, to hold and to cherish they find that they are being rejected, lied to, avoided etc - constantly. Often times, emotional distancers are attracted to people like themselves, those who also have trouble letting go of their emotional defenses. This doesnt stop in dating or sexual relationships but seeps into all other relationships. Some people alternate between involvement and distance, breaking up and then making up over and over again, or ending relationships just as they become too intimate. Others become so preoccupied with activities, that they just arent available. Its a protective device. After all, ones mate cant make emotional demands on one if one isnt around.

Unless you take time to work through your cycles of self-destructive behaviour, you will remain starved for emotional intimacy. So that even though you may consciously yearn for closeness, others soon or later see through your performance and want nothing to do with you. Usually by the second date, someone has already figured that out. So you wait for the third date that never comes. Like I said, it's painful.